Thursday, May 3, 2012

Groundhog minutes

In the movie Groundhog Day, the main character relives the same day over and over.  Slowly the day changes as he changes his choices.  I've realized I have minutes that feel like that.

Having a little one again has put me back in situations I've been in before.  My response to some of these situations is not something I like or am proud of.  (For example, waking up angry after a bad night with the baby; feeling like somehow, the Professor and the children should automatically know how tired I am; and thinking that I shouldn't have to get up--someone else should do whatever needs to be done.)  The frustrating thing has been that I thought I had learned to to better.  After all, I wasn't responding that way anymore.  Then I find out that it is just that the situation wasn't that way anymore.

It is so discouraging to over and over again find myself back where I hated to be, in my relationships or my choices or my parenting or my outlook on life.  And it feels like I can't easily start over.  I pick up where I left off.  It may have taken me months or years to get into a dysfunctional pattern, but I slip back into it in mere seconds.

I've finally realized that these minutes are opportunities to keep working on my automatic responses until I slowly get it right.  It probably won't happen quickly or soon.  I will mess up over and over again as I learn what works and what doesn't.  But, eventually, maybe I can learn enough to change how these situations play out.  And in doing so, just as happens in that silly movie, I will change.  That hope makes the frustration less overwhelming and possibly worth it.  Isn't it amazing?  I can eventually change until I no longer do (or think or choose) those actions (or thoughts or choices) that I am most ashamed of (or cause the most damage to my relationships or hurt those around me.)  Once again, I am reminded of the miracle of the atonement.  We can become better than we hope to be.

1 comment:

  1. love this, I think we all fall back into our "bad" ruts and your a step ahead of a lot of people in that you recognize it.