"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—of cabbages—and kings."
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Be still my heart
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
Before I was married, I was free to think and choose only for me. When I got married, I gave my heart away. My thoughts and choices were now split between my wants and needs and the Professor's wants and needs. As the children have joined us, my heart has been split and given to each of them.
Shortly after we were married, the World Trade Center was attacked. That morning, I vividly remember needing to get to my husband. As long as I was with him, I could face whatever came. Until then, my heart's demands to gather my little family drowned out any other need or desire I had at the moment.
Later, I was driving home with Miss M as my baby. We got caught in a blizzard. Again, I had an overwhelming need to gather my family, preferably at home. During the long drive inching slowly toward our little apartment, all I wanted was to be home with my husband and my family. Once home, the blizzard could rage all night, and I wouldn't care.
When Young T was born, he was whisked away to the NICU for a few hours. I had hardly gotten to hold him, much less get to know him, before they took him. While he was gone I thought I was doing pretty well at staying positive. The nurse asked me more than once how I was or if I needed anything. I kept replying that I was fine, and the only thing I needed was my baby. When he was finally brought to me, I relaxed. I hadn't realized how tensely I had been waiting for him until he was in my arms. Finally, all was right with my little world.
This year, the Professor has been traveling. His trips for work have been as exotic as Hawaii or Ireland and as mundane as the Midwest or California. Throw in a few trips with the family and one with the young men in our church and he's been rather busy. I miss him. Today as I checked his flights to see where he was, I realized that I've been kind of holding my breath just as I did all those other times. All week, I've been very aware that he isn't here. I think about what he's doing and what time it is. I don't want to go somewhere if he might be available to chat. I've been waiting without even realizing it. When he got back in the States, the tension eased. I'll relax more when he is in this state. And when he is finally here, my family will be gathered and I can stop worrying about the rest of the world. My heart is coming home.