Be still my heart

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Before I was married, I was free to think and choose only for me. When I got married, I gave my heart away. My thoughts and choices were now split between my wants and needs and the Professor's wants and needs. As the children have joined us, my heart has been split and given to each of them.

Shortly after we were married, the World Trade Center was attacked. That morning, I vividly remember needing to get to my husband. As long as I was with him, I could face whatever came. Until then, my heart's demands to gather my little family drowned out any other need or desire I had at the moment.

Later, I was driving home with Miss M as my baby. We got caught in a blizzard. Again, I had an overwhelming need to gather my family, preferably at home. During the long drive inching slowly toward our little apartment, all I wanted was to be home with my husband and my family. Once home, the blizzard could rage all night, and I wouldn't care.

When Young T was born, he was whisked away to the NICU for a few hours. I had hardly gotten to hold him, much less get to know him, before they took him. While he was gone I thought I was doing pretty well at staying positive. The nurse asked me more than once how I was or if I needed anything. I kept replying that I was fine, and the only thing I needed was my baby. When he was finally brought to me, I relaxed. I hadn't realized how tensely I had been waiting for him until he was in my arms. Finally, all was right with my little world.

This year, the Professor has been traveling. His trips for work have been as exotic as Hawaii or Ireland and as mundane as the Midwest or California. Throw in a few trips with the family and one with the young men in our church and he's been rather busy. I miss him. Today as I checked his flights to see where he was, I realized that I've been kind of holding my breath just as I did all those other times. All week, I've been very aware that he isn't here. I think about what he's doing and what time it is. I don't want to go somewhere if he might be available to chat. I've been waiting without even realizing it. When he got back in the States, the tension eased. I'll relax more when he is in this state. And when he is finally here, my family will be gathered and I can stop worrying about the rest of the world. My heart is coming home.

Sweet things.

Today, I am grateful.

I am grateful for peripheral stereo vision and sweet children. I am grateful for a curly mohawk and friends. I am grateful for naps and repentance. I am grateful for the summer. I am grateful for my husband and to be home with my kids. I am grateful for an increased appreciation of both of those blessings. I am grateful for strawberries and ice cream and cookies and milk. I am grateful for a chance to make my life and home into a comfortable, content place for my family. I am grateful for hot water. I am grateful for health.

Next, I think I will be grateful for bed.

Update

(Young A and Miss M long ago)
The small ones are sleeping and the smallish ones are on their way. The pink eye is quickly retreating. Calm has descended where earlier chaos reigned.

You are forewarned...

Do not wake up my baby. Otherwise I will send you to time out for the week.

And should you feel inclined to whine/cry/scream at me today, don't bother. There are five people ahead of you in line, and they have done more than enough for the next week.

Should you happen to find an extra night's sleep lying around, please send it my way. I could desperately use it.

And should you be misguided enough to want some pink eye/croupy stuff/teething?/congested cough/allergies, let me know. We've got lots and lots to share.

I keep thinking, "This has to stop sometime. I can't do this much longer." And then the Lord says, "Let's find out if you can." I'd rather not.

Musical reminder

Our choir sang a beautiful song yesterday. I enjoyed being reminded that there is more to life than me and my problems.

Lord, Speak to Me

Lord, speak to me that I may speak

In living echoes of Thy tone;

As Thou has sought, so let me seek

Thine erring children lost and lone.

O lead me, Lord, that I may lead

The wandering and the wavering feet;

O feed me, Lord, that I may feed

Thy hungering ones with manna sweet.

O teach me, Lord, that I may teach

The precious things Thou dost impart;

And wing my words, that they may reach

The hidden depths of many a heart.

O fill me with Thy fullness, Lord,

Until my very heart overflow

In kindling thought and glowing word,

Thy love to tell, Thy praise to show.

O use me, Lord, use even me,

Just as Thou wilt, and when, and where,

Until Thy blessèd face I see,

Thy rest, Thy joy, Thy glory share

Words: Frances Havergal, 1872

I had forgotten

You would think I would know about this baby stuff by now, and yet there is so much I had forgotten.

Such as...

• Typing is tricky with a baby on lap (and, thus, it is very easy to not email or update for weeks).
• Somehow, this little one who sleeps so much still takes up most of my time.
• 8 or 10 or 13 pounds gets very heavy after a few hours.
• How quickly I can lose my heart to a stranger.
• I think very slowly (and imperfectly) when I sleep like a baby.
• How much my family needs me to be the mom, even when I don't want to.
• How overwhelming it all can be.
• The reality (and suddenness) of depression, even when it only lasts for a few hours or days at a time.
• How kind the Professor is as he deals with an emotional rollercoaster of a wife.
• There is never a good time to clean.
• Little babies are divine right after a bath.
• It is very hard to take only one picture of my boy (once I find and get out the camera, that is.)

Young T, back in October

He's here

A few days before Halloween, we welcomed Young T into our family. I woke up about 6, we went to the hospital, and he was born just after 8. I like it when things are quick and uncomplicated. I learned a few things this time around.

Did you know they now have CPAP machines for newborns? This translates into less time in NICU for babies that just need to breathe a bit better. (3 hours rather than 48+)

And, since Miss M was born, they have discontinued having the annoying lady come around to take pictures of the babies and then try to sell them to you. Hooray! One less interruption for tired moms.

I also learned about cephalohematoma, a large bruise trapped under the bone membrane on the skull. Young T had two of them giving his head a heart shape. They have healed, but it took over three weeks.

I've learned that lots of rest really does help new moms heal faster. I've always had help, but this time I rested more and had more help at the beginning. It was wonderful. I'm thankful to both sets of parents for all they have done.

I've learned that the people in my new neighborhood are amazingly kind. We've had meals and playdates, rides and gifts, babysitting and phone calls to check on me. They have helped me get kids off to school and taught my Sunday School class and raked my leaves. I love my neighbors.